No. 005: ...and a happy new year!

reflecting and reimagining in 2023

Hello and happy new year, friends! I hope you had a wonderful holiday season full of everything that brings you joy and happiness. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the past two weeks with all their ups and downs and many days in the same ponytail and pair of sweatpants.

As we begin a new year, it's natural to think about the past and what changes we want to make in the future. But change can be challenging, especially when it means leaving behind the familiar and embracing the unknown.

In this first edition of my 2023 newsletter, I want to share a personal essay about my experiences with change. I hope it will inspire you to reflect on your own journey and consider the changes you may want to make in the year ahead.

Let's take a collective deep breath, embrace the unknown, and make this year our best yet. Thank you for joining me on this journey. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us.

Cheers!
xo Erin

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Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash

Reflecting on 2022 and Reimagining 2023

As the end of the year approaches and I find myself introspecting on the events and growth of the past 12 months, I’m struck by the overarching theme of change.

I used to choose a Word of the Year to guide my mindset, but in recent years, I’ve let this tradition fall by the wayside. In retrospect, "change" should've been my guiding word in 2022.

Change has always been difficult for me.

In childhood, this manifested as a fascination with sadness and sorrow. As a highly empathetic and perceptive person, I struggled to understand and cope with my emotions, especially without role models to show me how to express them healthily. I turned to books to try and understand, my bedside table stacked high with tales of tragedy, my "cancer books" my mom and sister still tease me about.

I kept these emotions inside until they seeped out of me, usually in the form of grief after major events. I remember crying one Christmas afternoon because, even though I’d had so much fun, the anticipation and build-up were over, the family was gone, and I was overwhelmed with sadness with nothing left to look forward to.

This resistance to change persisted into adulthood. An undercurrent of melancholy tempered the joys and exciting milestones I experienced, making it difficult to let go of relationships or say goodbye to homes, preventing me from fully embracing new experiences without a lingering sense of loss.

I longed for change and adventure, but it also ignited a sense of fear and uncertainty that I struggled to conquer. It was as if I were being primed for a significant shift in my life.

And then it happened — my husband died. My natural resistance to change was exacerbated by the sudden loss, adding an element of fear to the tremendous pain and shock.

I can (and will) share much about those times — the pain and healing, the heartbreak and hope, the learning and lessons. It took me a long time to stop resisting, to find peace and acceptance.

Eventually, I learned to live with my old friend, Sadness, to welcome her when she visits and listen to her wisdom. She’s taught me a lot, like how to recognize the power and beauty of being a sensitive person and how to transform fear into strength.

Through this self-awareness, I now understand that change will never be easy for me. It’s a characteristic that is as much a part of my spirit as my love for life's quietly beautiful moments and the joyful passion that fills my chest when I let my words flow. During times of change, I'll inevitably have a lot of work to do, my old friend Sadness and her new partner Fear of Abandonment waiting nearby in need of my attention.

I’ve also gained another valuable insight — the ability to distinguish between my usual responses to change and those that signal something isn’t right.

The latter half of the year was marked by a major change that impacted every aspect of my life. The transition came at the end of a time of uncertainty, and I entered it prayerfully, thoughtfully, and brimming with hope. But over time, tensions rose and deeply-seated differences emerged, weighing heavily on my spirit and challenging my optimism. Inevitably, it escalated and boiled over, shattering my hopes with a harsh, stinging blow.

This holiday season found me still reeling from the shock, but I’ve kept a brave face amidst the chaos, alternating between crying alone in the bathroom and laughing with the kids while we made cookies. I’ve experienced many emotions during the last month — disappointment, hurt, hope, joy, confusion, fear, and determination. But above all, I’ve had moments of contemplation and introspection.

I’ve realized that thanks to my desire to keep the peace, I've let myself live below my standards. I’ve allowed circumstances that I disapprove of and tolerated negative behavior. Rather than face the things I should have faced, I've thrown myself into other things in avoidance. And as a result, I've been living life in a way that doesn't reflect my true self.

As we enter the new year, I am at a crossroads in my own evolution.

It's time to face the challenges head on, to ask myself what truly aligns with my values and goals. Who and what belongs in my vision of a fulfilling and authentic life? Where do I enforce boundaries, and which paths do I want to take?

It’s time for a change. And this time — maybe for the first time — I’m inviting it with open arms.

I won't settle for anything less than what I know I deserve. I won't let fear or uncertainty hold me back. It's time to embrace the unknown and trust that everything will unfold as it should.

My word this year is change.

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Time for Some Coffee Talk

Do you have a Word of the Year? How do you incorporate it into your life? Reply to this email, I’d love to chat!