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No. 010
Wednesday, May 10, 2023
Tick. Tick. Tick.Â
The rhythmic clicking of the turn signal filled the car, tightening the knot in my stomach with each tick. My palms clung to the steering wheel, my foot impatient on the brake pedal.Â
I was frozen at a red light, my thoughts racing while the world outside whizzed past.
I was going to be late to my appointment if traffic didn’t pick up. In the center console, my phone dinged, most likely reminding me of something else I had forgotten. Maybe it was a reminder for my son's therapy appointment, our next meeting with the counselor who helped us cope with his crippling anxiety. Or it could be the return call about my daughter's ADHD medicine, which we’ve spent days searching for thanks to shortages.Â
Possibilities multiplied with every tick:Â
My youngest’s impending surgery, my husband’s blood tests, my mother’s heart.Â
The orthodontist appointment I needed to make, the centerpieces I had to create.Â
My MRI results? One of the kids’ schools? A client with yet another change?
Most likely, it was a bill notification, another rejected application, or the 5th call about my car’s extended warranty.Â
The demands of daily life had swollen to overwhelming proportions. I usually took the helm, steadying the family sails and keeping us on course. But recently I found myself barely keeping afloat. Still recovering from a recent bout of depression, I was more of a paper boat than a steady ship.Â
My body was feeling the strain as each new challenge threatened to pull me under. Crippling fatigue and odd symptoms had crept up unnoticed, and pending test results only added to my anxiety.
Tick. Tick. Tick.Â
The knot cinched tighter, my breaths becoming shallow and rapid. The car doors felt like they were closing in on me, the whirlpool of worries threatening to swallow me whole.
The roar of an engine startled me and suddenly I recognized the intersection where I was paused. About 400 feet away, nestled in a quiet field beyond a brick wall, under a solitary tree and within sight of an American flag fluttering in the breeze, lay my late husband's grave.
A whisper emerged from the depth of my soul, its message as unambiguous as the flag waving in the breeze.Â
'Embrace this fleeting moment,' it whispered gently, 'release the weight of yesterday's sorrows and tomorrow's worries.'
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, filling my lungs so full it crowded out everything else.
Opening my eyes, I exhaled slowly. I shifted my gaze away from the unyielding light ahead of me and gathered my senses.
There, right beside me, a patch of bright green grass pierced through a dead flower bed, a harbinger of the forthcoming spring. Above, the sky was a stunning canvas of periwinkle blue, clear and unblemished. The cool air from the vents, gentle against my skin, smelling faintly of cherry air freshener. The lingering sweetness of fresh apple on my lips, a reminder of the nourishment in my belly. The steering wheel, firm beneath my fingers, acknowledging my strength.
As I grounded myself in the moment, noticing the sensations of life all around me, I felt the tension in my shoulders relax. My pulse slowed, my breath lengthened.
My eyes fell on the bumper sticker of the car in front of me. 'Positive Vibes', it read, swirly letters sprawled across a brightly colored background. The corners of my eyes crinkled with delight as a soft chuckle escaped my lips.
Then it started moving. My turn.
Tick. Tick. Tick.Â
I pressed gently on the accelerator and slowly moved forward. The cemetery garden entrance appeared ahead as I turned. It was a sight that, in the past, would have plunged me into a well of sorrow, the pang of sadness yet another weight to bear.
But not now. It was a sadness that held hands with joy, a heartbreak that opened more room for what matters most. People. Moments. Love.
Tick. Tick.
A small smile spread across my face. I didn’t need to captain the ship or even to be on board at all. I just had to enjoy the waves.Â
Tick.
This essay is the third installment of a 5-week series for Write of Passage 10. A huge thanks to Sadia Kalam, AJ Mares, Aurora Klaeboe Berg, An Nguyen, and Catalina Munoz for their insightful feedback on this essay.
I wouldn't have thought I could be totally captivated by a description of someone's experience of less than a minute in time, but that just happened. An exquisite sharing. Thank you
These installments are such nice reads. The imagery and feelings seem like they are happening in my mind, as if I had a glimpse of a past in another life or something. This is some storytelling.